Okay friends, time to air some dirty laundry.
I promise, the only name I’m naming is my own, but I doubt I’m the only one who has done this. In fact I would bet that everyone has done this at one time or another. Is there anyone out there who has not watched a terrible movie because of a TV crush? If you saw Made of Honor (which I DID NOT) you have no room to judge me. I fully admit that for the love of a TV boyfriend I have willingly endured hours of insults to cinema. And the winners are:
For Taylor Kitsch of Friday Night Lights I’ve watched The Covenant and X-Men Origins: Wolverine. The Covenant was terrible, but I didn’t expect much, so whatever, I wasted part of my afternoon. For me, the real offense here is that Wolverine didn’t have to be bad, but man was it ever. Kitsch as Gambit was brilliant casting and then he is barely in the movie, so there I am, sitting through some boring fight scenes and totally unbearable “story.” And while I probably would have seen this movie anyway, my expectations would have stayed in check if he hadn’t been in it, hence why the disappointment stings so much more.
For Jensen Ackles of Supernatural I’ve watched Devour, My Bloody Valentine, and 10 Inch Hero. I liked My Bloody Valentine; I thought it was an entertaining horror movie that actually gave me the creeps. Other than that, Jensen has made some poor poor life choices, and I have been right there along with him supporting them, so obviously I’m an enabler. It has kind of turned into a game, watching movies he’s in just to see how bad they are. Devour is incomprehensible: somehow it involves some incest, a mind-control video game that causes kids to kill, and the devil. I’m fairly sure I was sober when I watched this, but trying now to remember how all these pieces fit together, maybe I wasn’t. I think we are all better off it I don’t try to explain 10 Inch Hero, but I assure you, it isn’t porn. It might be less embarrassing for all involved if it were porn. Oh well, I think that movie is where he met his wife, so at least that is a win for someone. For me, I have some memories to repress.
For Joshua Jackson of Dawson’s Creek and Fringe I’ve watched Urban Legend, Cruel Intentions, The Skulls, and Gossip. I think this list kind of dates me a bit, but age isn’t my problem when I look at this list. What I realize is that other than Gossip, I don’t regret my choice to watch these movies. I don’t even regret that I watched Urban Legend last Halloween, or that I will most likely watch it this Halloween. Seriously, it’s one of the most amazingly bad horror movies! But as much as I enjoy Mr. Jackson’s body of work, I don’t think a one of these stands out as timeless art, and if my mother had any idea what I was doing with my time when I was supposed to be in high school, I think she would have a, well, problem. In the what-else-could-I’ve-done-with-my-time ledger of life, I think my mom might have a point.
For Adam Brody of The O.C. I’ve watched In the Land of Women. I put this on my list because this movie is so bad! This cancer-ridden family-drama/running-shoe-ad quarterlife-crisis is a really wretched movie. I shudder every time I see it on the shelf at Target, occasionally, when a crossword clue escapes me, I wonder if I actually lost brain cells in that hour and a half, and it makes it so I have to admit to one extra Kristen Stewart movie I’ve seen that could have been avoided. Adam Brody, you owe me.
For Scott Speedman of Felicity I’ve watched Underworld, and Underworld Evolution. I kind of enjoy Underworld more than any person should. It is one of my top go-to rainy-day movies. The whole thing is so over the top and ridiculous, even more so than I could have imagine when I rented it for the first time because I needed a Scott Speedman broody-face fix. And the second movie is just as awesomely bad as the first. But, because I watched the first two I felt compelled to finish the series, and Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans isn’t fun-bad: it’s just atrocious: horrible story, wretched pacing, lame fight scenes, all over just a turkey of a movie. So, while I should thank Scotty-boy for being in two awful-but-amazing movies (especially because at the time I watched the first one, I had no idea I saw future TV boyfriend Wentworth Miller!), I have some discomfort with the chain of causality that led to Underworld 3: Lame of the Lamest.
Honorable Mentions: Movies I watched for a TV boyfriend that turned out to be good despite what I thought going into it.
For Bradley Cooper of Alias and Kitchen Confidential I watched The Hangover, and laughed until I couldn’t breath.
For Benjamin Mackenzie of The O.C. and Southland I watched Junebug, and experienced a well-made journey with a dysfunctional family, as well as my introduction to the brilliant Amy Adams.
For John Krazinski of The Office I watched Away We Go, and was pleasantly surprised by how sweet and entertaining this potential hipster-black-hole was.
I wish I could say that looking at this has made me learn my lesson, but I have to admit: I will probably always watch bad movies for my TV boyfriends. Nathan Fillion's opus White Noise 2 is looking very tempting right about now.
The TV Girl